I am not who I want to be; I probly will not ever be.

I am a freshman at one of the best CSU's in the state [which doesn't say much], far too liberal according to my faith, and I am the spokes-model for self-loathing narcissists; no one hates how great they are more than myself, and the fear of a downfall is what brings insecurity. The only thing important to me other than the 4 people that I would slice my wrists for, is my music. I view everything around me with a sympathetic contempt, and I associate with no group; and because I have made such a decision to choose no group, you can see why music is such a comfort and relic. I cherish individuals as I meet them, but when they choose sides I tend to confine to myself. I think most people take their lives far too seriously, and should try to relish the present more than anything else. Above all, you should know that I am not by any means a pessimist; it is a great chance that I'm one of the more optimistic peoples you have met. Though, I have to look out for myself, and I can't allow you even the slightest opportunity to hurt me. It isn't so that I don't trust you, but I hope you can know what I mean when I say that I don't trust myself. I can't say that I'm afraid of the future, but I would like never to be heartbroken again. I know you can't guarantee me that, but I should like you to try.

Rain fell slowly according to Castle time.

I understand life as marked by certain primary experiences that happen early on that involve pleasure, followed by the pain of being disconnected from that pleasure, and the rest of life spent trying to make sense of that pain. That first moment of disconnection is like a shattering of glass that rings in your consciousness for the rest of your life, informing everything you witness and experience. It's that shattering that leaves the mark, I think - not the experience of pleasure itself. Nostalgia is trying to beautify that moment when everything shattered and broke - trying to make sense of the pain. Music is heightened nostalgia: music is that lost pleasure in a continuous process of being shattered. It's like this beautiful thing being held in front of your face that disintegrates if you try to touch it.

Dancing Lessons

worms are the words but joy’s the voice

down shall go which and up come who

breasts will be breasts and thighs will be thighs

deeds cannot dream what dreams can do

-time is a tree (this life one leaf)

but love is the sky and i am for you

just so long and long enough.

On Faith. On Friendship.

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. "Will they? Won't they?" And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten relationships end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the people who get married end up divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about becoming so insane about someone that they just completely consume you. & You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do... believe in it. Love."

Bottom line: People who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is that they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.

They are you.

For the first time, today I felt sorry for him; because he doesn't even realize it. He truly believes he's doing his best, and I wouldn't at all doubt that he actually is. Though, As you like to say "He's just people. Just some guy trying to get by." Which I do, with all my heart, believe. But it is beyond our power to stop to urge to pity, and look down upon at times. I guarantee you do it all the time, yeah. You're doing it to me, and in all your hypocrisy, I won't say a word. I'll just accept it, and accept you, because I love you. I really do.
So I'm a little more 'verbal' about it. Well excuse me if you haven't realized that all I'm doing is pointing out imperfections, and I strictly recall letting you know that the imperfections are what I love most about people. The things that most people are unaccepting of are the things that make people human, and its so beautiful to me, but you've completely misinterpreted it, and by that you've really hurt my feelings.
Re-think your stance.

Birthday Wishlist.

Monday, Nov. 19th

-Undwerwater case for my Camera [Olympus FE-230]
-No iPods
-Birthday Calls
-Take me to see TSOL and D.I. at the Echoplex on Nov 23rd.
-Balloons [babee ones. Don't be obnoxious]
-Orchids/Sunflowers
-Monies
-Dresses/hats/shoes/purses [my father is not getting out of buying me a new Coach bag]
-New Stereo
-Clever t-shirts
- tickets to kroq's Almost Acoustic Christmas
-Paint/poster boards
-Mittens
-New KILLERS cd
-Any other tight cd
-Especially Mix cd's
-Birthday mail.

Under a darkened Tent

I curled my hair. I look like a banshee from behind.

It looked like it might be only moderately warm today, so I wore pants, a 3/4 sleeve shirt, and I didn't bring my jacket because it usually becomes baggage around midday. I wish I had brought it. Its really cold outside.
But still, not nearly as cold as it is inside. I still haven't managed to figure out how I keep myself from saying things I want to say, but I know that most of these things are the irrational fancies of my mind and heart, and that I would probably want to take them back after having actually said them.
I've been feeling pretty shitty lately. I can't talk to him, because he's no good at comforting; and I can't tell him that, because it would hurt his feelings. What the fuck is wrong with us? I love him, but I'm so worried about hurting him that I can't even talk to him? To say the least, please don't talk to me about it. It'll get better. I promise.

Thank God for my best friend. Because I wouldn't get anywhere without him. He [was the first] to show me the Ocean in a world full of Fire.

I would like to see

A little more propriety.


Last night I forgot how I managed to pull the sky over between what I see and what I say; between what I say, and what I keep silent.

Not Fighting's a part of Baby's Romance.

I'm Severina.
I have amazing friends.
I've seen amazing things.
I'm in love with this amazing boy.
Fer serious.